Frequenty Asked Questions

The shadowed depths of the arcane world are often confusing and not meant to be traveled by the easily confused or faint of heart. However, the eternally fateful guides here at LoveCurse will attempt to shed what light they may to cleave back the darkness, at least far enough so you can see the terribly fantastic shapes rising out of the depths before they claim you...

Q: Hey come on, none of this "magick" stuff is real, right?

A: Well if it's fake then there's a serious epidemic of spontaneous human combustion that needs to be looked into. Seriously though, we're not here to argue with you what the nature of reality is - go bug your under-paid high school philosophy teacher about that if you can get to him before he hangs himself out of sheer frustration, that is. What we are here for is sweet, sweet vengeance, and we're all set to deliver that in spades, provided you pony up the scratch.

Q: Someone put a Voodoo Curse on me! What do I do now?!

A: Well the first thing you could have done would have been to buy Voodoo Curse Insurance from us: as long as you and the enemy in question are in the same city or greater metropolitan area we will refuse their order of voodoo equipment. However, it's a bit late for that, so the next best thing would either be to buy a gris-gris bag specifically geared towards the insulation of the wearer from curses or contacting one of our Voodoo Professionals for assistance. You could also consider buying a doll to use on the bastard currently using a doll on you - this is even more effective if you buy a better model than the one they got. Couple that with the Voodoo Nail Gun and you'll be putting the smack down on the miserable sack of flesh in no time flat. After all, it's hard to stuff pins in anything when your hands don't work.

Q: Hey, these instructions that came with this ritual are kinda long and complicated, can I just make shit up/ignore them?

A: You sure can! That is, if you don't mind being poisoned, set on fire, dismembered by something really unpleasant, or just otherwise suffering a malevolently humorous (well, to us anyway) demise. So basically if you ignore or improperly follow the ritual instructions painstakingly provided to you by us don't come crying back here when all your hair falls out and you blow your fingers off. We told you so.

Q: My "Oboku, Devourer of Plagues" amulet is far too powerful - it consumed my neighbor's plague collection and now he expects me to pay him back! Can this relic be split into shards to marginalize its power?

A: Well, first off, what did you expect an amulet housing a demon called "Oboku, Devourer of Plagues" to do? Mow your lawn? No. He eats plagues - hence the name. Secondly, get some different neighbors - who the hell collects plagues nowadays anyway, other than Muslim Terrorists, that is. It's not very sanitary and probably smells really bad. And lastly, if you want to risk fracturing the prision of a minor devil, hey, be my guest! Just don't come crying to us when he jumps out and punches you a dozen new assholes.

Q: What is this "Rule of Three" I keep hearing about? Do all the bad things I do really come back to me at thrice the return of negative energy?

A: That's a tricky question, as that rule primarily only pertains to those who accept it as part of their magical paradigm. The short answer is only if you believe you deserve to be punished for what you are doing. Most people living in the West under Christian doctrine have had it drilled into their skulls that to commit an "evil" act, as it were, will result in having the negative backlash of that act crash into the originator with all the subtle ferocity of a speeding greyhound bus. I suppose it all boils down to how justified you, the client, feels in your own actions, as it will rest ultimately upon your bony shoulders when the day is done - no matter who or what intermediaries you have chosen to do your dirty work for you. Thus, caveat emptor - be sure you really want what you are asking us to do. And be sure to read our Karmic Policy, where all this is touched upon in greater detail.

Q: Where's the human sacrifice kit? I thought you guys were supposed to cater to the dark arts?

A: First off, if you need a kit to help you figure out how to kill someone then there's really nothing we could ever do to help you, even if we wanted to. The sad fact of the matter is none of us really want to go to jail, which means if it's specifically illegal (i.e. accessory to murder) then we're not going to touch it with a mystical badger mounted on a twenty foot pole. Everything done on this site is conducted in perfect accordance will all federal statutes and regulations (though every individual may want to check on their local ordinances to make sure there are no conflicts). When we say we don't condone breaking the law, we mean it. Don't piss us off, you wouldn't like it when we're angry...